Its a lonely life...

Over the past few years I have become an avid lurker. In any other circumstance that would be a heavy admission to make, perhaps even an indication of some kind of deviance. But my lurking has been on many different frum (or formerly frum) blogs. I have followed the daily frum news at the awful VIN and YWN. I am an avid reader of R' Harry Maryles at Emes V'Emunah (who turned a comment of mine into a guest post and therefore is the grandfather of this blog!). And there are countless other blogs across the spectrum that I follow regularly.

I always wondered when (IF?!) I would be brave enough to start my own blog. For a start there is the issue of anonymity. A blogger called kvetchingeditor has an issue with anonymous bloggers, but as a newlywed perhaps doesn't understand the idea of protecting spouse and offspring.

OK, here is the premise of my blog. I have been frum from birth, I have been raised in the charedi world, and moved between the yeshivish worlds and finally settled in the moderately modern orthodox world. But throughout my life - I have never felt G-d, have never really known He exists, have gone through the motions but really I'm a fraud.

To explain.

I was raised by holocaust survivors. My siblings and I were sent to frum pre school all the way to frum college. Some of my siblings are living a Torah true lifestlye, others are no longer religious and then there's me. I'd like to describe my "frum" life. I do not attend shul during the week. When not attending shul, I don't daven at the kotel in my house; I do not daven at all. I want to be honest and straight up front.

I have never (as far as I know) eaten non kosher. I will not walk out of my home without my head covered. I always wear tzitit. My wife and I are strict in the practice of taharat hamishpacha (she is on the same page as me - more about her later or in anotehr post, if people are interested in hearing more). Every Shabbos and yom tov I go to shul.

Now, I've read lots of blogs as I've said. And the first thing that would come to mind if I were to read what I've just written elsewhere would be "The guys a fraud". And I am a fraud, but perhaps not by typical definition. My life, the way I live it now, is going through the easy motions of appearing to be frum. I don't struggle to learn Torah, or make an effort to go out of my house to daven, or do anything that takes any effort to connect myself with the religion, so why do I believe myself to be entitled to feel frum?

The answer is, that I spent my formative years, trying, praying, begging G-d to help me feel connected, and nothing happened. I had many many teachers over the years who taught me alef beis, then chumash, nach, mishna, halacha, gemara, rashi, tosafos, rishonim, acharonim, etc. I sat for years in yeshiva and beis hamedrash. And I can't translate a simple possuk of chumash. I said Shema with my son last Shabbos and he asked me to translate something from Hamalach - and I couldn't. And I know that to some people reading that makes me an Am Haretz - a stupid ignoramus. But I tried. Please don't jump to any wrong conclusions. I never was abused by my parents, or my rebbeim in school. I wasn't bullied or taunted in school. I was never too arrogant to try, or had heretical feelings in school. From day one I distinctly remember trying so so so hard to get it. All around me people were getting it, but never me.

In all the years I've never had the Aha moment, that moment where it all made sense.

I have started this blog as I found sharing this secret with the world at R' Harry's blog to be extremely helpful to me. I hope that people can comment here. I am preparing myself to be ridiculed, to be called a kofer, but that comes with the territory.

I hope that I can explain more about myself, and my life's choices, and that I can learn from my readers.