Things have been really hectic so I wanted to thank those who have commented so far and let you know I will respond to you but would rather spend my time now on a follow up post.
Since the inception of this site I have found myself thinking back to my childhood, looking for some clues as to why I have been so affected. My mother often blamed a particularly tough rebbe in 1st grade but my memories predate that experience (which I will come to soon).
I have a distinct memory of my upsherin at age 3. Recently when I discussed the fact that I remember the event with my family they insisted I was making it up or that I had created the memories based on old pictures, but no, I really do remember my haircut. I remember being in a really bad mood. I remember hating the fact that people I didn't know were cutting my hair, and I remember being TERRIFIED of having to recite the Alef Beis. While typing this I can actually feel my heart beating faster and getting butterflies in my stomach which I KNOW is the feeling I had when I was just 3. I have read theories about how some people recreate their childhoods on their minds, but please, trust me, my memory is correct.
My memories of pre school are pretty similar. In pre k we were expecting to chant different parts of davening. All good fun. I used to dread my turn. I remember being "punished" for getting it wrong. In kindergarten we would read from a special siddur. I hated it so much I used to do this crazy thing where I would wet my finger, run it on the edge of the page, move it back and forth until a little hold would appear on the page. I was always careful not to make any hole over the actual words. And I did this because I hated reading from the siddur aloud.
So while all that was going on, my parents were convinced that all was going great for me in terms of my learning about yiddishkeit. My mother has always blames the first grade rebbe, a childless man, then in his 30's, who didn't really like children and had no tolerance for mistakes. He was the man responsible for teaching me to write hebrew. I do remember disliking the man, but my whole grade did too. My hebrew writing skills still suck, one of my ex classmates is a sofer! I don't see that as proof.
Fast forwarding through my elementary school years I moved to many different styles of rebbes and teachers. My standard memories of my kodesh classes; boredom, disengaged, disinterested , and dread.
I was taken to shul every morning with my brothers from the age of 5; never was this anything but a chore. As soon as I was old enough to take myself; I didn't bother going.
Middle and High school saw a continuation of the trend for me. I know that I worked very hard on myself for my bar mitzvah. I envied my friends who could read from the Torah effortlessly, and could then daven shacharis, mincha and maariv from the amud with no nerves at all. For me, the preparation was so terrifying that I made myself learn it all by heart, like a long long song, and when it came to it (shaygetz that I am!) I barely looked at the words as I struggled to get the words out when I leined. To this day, I have never davened shacharis or mincha from the amud, and only twice davened mariv.
My rebbe's in high school tried every approach again with the pupil whom they saw as arrogant and disinterested. It didn't help that on my report card the secular studies teachers would be full of praise. If I could excel at those subjects how dare I not excel at my kodesh subjects. I remember having a very kind rebbe when I was around 14 to whom I confided that I really couldn't do it, that pronouncing the words were difficult, that I couldn't translate. That anything that I was able to come out with was all done because I was memorizing translating sheets parrot fashion and nothing was going in. "Everything is going in" he repeatedly told me. It honestly never did.
My post yeshiva, beis medrash experiences, where I spent night and day "learning" must be the subject of a separate post as they were the cause of a major event in my life.
For now I hope I've been able to paint a little picture of my growing up apathetic.
What exactly do I want? I want to discover how I went through the same upbringing and schooling as many others and they now are engaged, able to learn and active participants of the religion. And I am left here in the sidelines, mumbling my way through judaism and life.
11 comments:
Oh my, I wish I had something to offer by way of comfort to you. I also have a son who excels in secular subjects but who just can't handle the language / teitching, and who's basically "faking" his way through school, in spite of innumerable tutors and great effort. The truth is, and I hope that he appreciates this one day, that I don't give two hoots if he becomes an independent learner or not. What I want from him is that he should excel in mentschlichkeit, and that has nothing to do with his ability to get through a sugya by himself.
I watch him, though, lose his self-esteem because of his struggles, and I can see it slowly turning him off. I feel helpless to prevent it. I give as much love as possible, and try to backoff of religious demands as much as possible if there's any room within halacha to do so.
What, if anything, could your parents have done differently or would you advise in this situation? I'm just so crazy about this kid, but he totally doesn't see how great he is because he's so wrapped up in feeling like a failure in gemara. It breaks my heart.
Dear concerned mom,
your question seems to have a quite easy answer:
Send him to a different school.
Send him to a school, where other subjects are taught, where peer pressure about jewish learning is not at the center of the stage.
Send him to a school where he knows more about torah and halacha than everyone else, where he can fill up with pride about his jewish heritage.
I wish it were that simple. There aren't a lot of options here, and public school isn't a possibility on multiple levels.
concerned mom - I wish i had the answer, although I do feel a response brewing and will hopefully get back to you in the form of a post in the next few days. sorry i can't be more helpful right now.
Why is public school not possible?
Could you find a non-jewish private school?
Anything but yeshiva.
otd- you said "anything but yeshiva", but for the kid, for the parents, thats not what they want. I suppose if my wife and I made the chpice to leave it ALL behind then for sure public school is fine. But, for now, we want to live a frum life, but we don't have the belief. It sounds crazy but thats how it is.
The main reason public school isn't an option is that as part of my geirus (many years ago) I promised the beis din that any children I would have would be educated in orthodox schools.
The second reason, assuming the geirus police wouldn't come after me, is that the public schools in our community are unacceptable, and I couldn't bring myself to send him to a non-Jewish religious private school. The nondenominational private schools in the area are exorbitantly expensive.
Finally, in my heart of hearts, I really want him to grow up surrounded by other frum kids. It's not that I think non-Jewish or non-religious kids are undesirables- that is just ridiculous - but there are temptations that would come his way in that environment that I'd rather he not face until he's older.
What about moving to a place where public schools are acceptable?
I am not from the US, so I do not know about the school system and its problems there...
concerned mom - i wrote a similar thing in the comments of my newer post but geirus issues aside, I wouldnt have wanted to have been more of a "freak" by being the only kid in the family/neighborhood going to public school. As well as the fact that the public school near our house were scary!
Me - What are the public schools like in your country?
Everyone goes to public school in my country (Switzerland). There are few private schools. In general they are mainly for rich kids who would not manage to get a highschool degree in public school.
University does not cost anything (about 600$ a semester).
So people do not start out in their professional life with a huge amount of debts.
Of course, there are neighbourhoods where schools seem "more recommandable" or "less recommandable", so parents might move to a neighbourhood for a good school, but this is quite marginal, as far as I can see.
Jewish children go to jewish schools, but we just have a modern-orthodox primary school. So modern-orthodox kids go to public school from the 7th grade on.
The chareidi school goes from kindergarten till age 15, and now they are building a follow up until 17. (but this does not earn any recognised degree). After that age, boys go abroad (England, Israel, France, US), girls also or they start working.
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